My partner can’t settle our child

First things first - this is not a blog about criticising partners! Parenting is a team effort and this is about looking at your current situation honestly, understanding why things might feel harder than they should and finding a way forwards to make life a little easier for everyone.

In my experience, when one partner struggles to settle their baby or child, it usually comes down to one of two reasons:

Reason 1: they can’t.

Reason 2: they won’t.

Let’s explore both.

The “They Can’t” Camp.

From a very young age, babies form associations with how they settle to sleep. These sleep onset associations play a big role in how your child settles to sleep and with who.

In many households, one parent naturally becomes the primary caregiver and this is often the parent who spends more time with the baby during the day. This parent ends up doing the majority of the settling, which means two things:

They’ve had more practise. Like everything in parenting, practise builds confidence.

Predictability makes babies and children feel safe so they learn to expect that same parent for comfort, which can make them resist when the other parent steps in to help.

This can leave one parent feeling like they are always “on duty” while the other feels “redundant” in the background. It really isn’t about love, it’s about familiarity.

What helps to balance this?

Start small and build over time. Choose one or two opportunities a day where the less-practised parent takes the lead, this could be a nap, bedtime or even a night waking. Make it clear that this is their opportunity to do so and support them in gaining confidence. Try your best not to intervene if there is resistance from your child, reminding yourself they are with their other parent. If you always swoop in to rescue them from their discomfort, you are reinforcing behaviour by showing them that they were right to feel uncertain. Reinforcing behaviour whether it is sleep related or otherwise means it is more likely to recur. Whilst your child is given the chance to adjust, take yourself away from the situation, have a bath, dead head the roses or go for a walk to distract yourself.

This same approach works for older children who only want one parent at bedtime. Start by doing it together and gradually fade back your presence. Once your child has adjusted to this, use a “first this, then that” approach.

First, Daddy takes you to the bath.

Then, Mummy reads a bedtime story.

Then, Daddy says goodnight.

This builds tolerance, reduces the sense of “only one parent can do it,” and helps your child feel equally secure with both of you.

The “They Won’t” Camp.

Sometimes the issue isn’t ability, but willingness. If your partner doesn’t want to take on settling duties, the first step is to explore why. In some families, one parent isn’t as aware of the impact of frequent night wakings or behavioural resistance, especially if they’re aren’t there during the day or are sleeping in another room and aren’t being disturbed. If this sounds familiar, have an honest conversation. Share not just how often your child is waking, but also how the lack of sleep is affecting you emotionally, mentally and physically.

If that doesn’t shift things, it may help to step back entirely for a short while, perhaps by arranging a night or two away and leaving your partner fully in charge. This is the parenting version of cold water immersion! Experiencing it firsthand often sparks empathy and motivation! Humour aside, lasting change comes from teamwork. Agree to commit to a manageable timeframe to try new strategies, then reassess the effectiveness of these together. Progress, even small improvements, can make the process feel worthwhile and keep both of you motivated.

The value in making these changes?

Calmer households and happier, better connected families.