"But I tried that and it didn't work!" Understanding the extinction burst

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My first question would be, what happened next?

Parents often respond by telling me they had to give in and let them have what they wanted and then they stopped resisting. Of course they did because from their perspective, the behaviour worked.

What is an extinction burst?

An extinction burst happens when a behaviour that has previously been rewarded or reinforced suddenly stops getting the response it used to. In parenting, this can happen when you change your response to an undesirable behaviour and place a boundary where there previously wasn't one. In reaction to this change, your child may resist the boundary by increasing the duration, frequency or intensity of their behaviour because it used to work. In other words, they try harder to get the same outcome they were expecting. If parents aren't prepared for an extinction burst, it can lead them to think the plan hasn't worked and after a period of trying to hold the boundary, they go back to doing what they were doing before because, what other choice did they have?

When you travel to work, you sometimes stop at a vending machine to get a snack. You insert your money, press the button and your snack falls to the bottom. But on this occasion, it doesn't so feeling irritated, you try again, pressing the button harder, hoping for the response you're used to. You are annoyed there was no warning things would be different and no sign telling you the machine was broken. In one last 'hangry' attempt, you shake the sides of it...still nothing! You eventually give in defeated, accepting that today there will be no snack and silently vowing not to use that machine again.

Children don't have the same reasoning or impulse control that we do (yet!), but the principle is similar. When a behaviour has reliably worked in the past, we shouldn't be surprised if a child tries it harder when it suddenly stops working.

Why does behaviour get worse before it gets better?

Understanding the science behind why behaviour happens and that it is normal for things to get temporarily worse before it gets better can help to normalise those fraught moments when you start questioning your decisions or how effective your plan is.

The good news is, that if you are consistent with your response, after the extinction burst has happened, you will start to see an improvement very soon. The behaviour will start to decrease and like many others before it, the moment will pass.

The bad news is, if you reinforce or reward the behaviour when they up the ante, it is simply teaching your child to increase the intensity of their behaviour and to hold out for longer. The child moves the resistance baseline, wondering what all the fuss was about but also, learning that perseverance pays.

When I'm working through behavioural changes with families, if parents assure me they've been consistent but it still hasn't worked, we go back to the drawing board. Just as any well seasoned detective relooks at their case from different angles, we look for clues as to what we might be missing. Because if a behaviour is continuing to occur, it is usually coming into contact with reinforcement at some point throughout the day. Whilst the behaviour itself may present differently, the function of it and the expected outcome is often the same.

The human side of changing behaviour is with the best intentions in the world, making change requires capacity, energy in the tank and resolve. And due to the increasing mental load and demands of modern parenting, this is exactly where most parents are often most depleted, finding the energy to make the change.

From an emotional perspective, seeing your child upset and wanting to fix it is a very human reaction. It taps into worries about whether you're being too hard on them or whether it will be damaging to your relationship. But love, like attachment, builds over time and cannot be altered by a parenting decision made thoughtfully and with your child's best interests at heart.

How long will it take?

Change is unsettling for us all and working out how long it will be before you start to see improvements can vary from family to family. Assessing how engrained the behaviour is, how many times you have tried to hold a boundary before giving in and the child's temperament are all factors.

Working with me is like having a mate supporting you through a marathon; they're not running the race with you but they are standing on the sidelines, cheering you on with a brightly coloured banner, reminding you that you're nearly there and giving you the confidence to keep going.